I find this time of year for me to be very bitter sweet. The scent of the last few grass clippings, the last sounds of children laughing as they play outside, the green passing on to bright colors and bonfires. Autumn is my favorite season. As an artist the color is breathtaking, exciting and inspiring. However it’s followed by death. I see winter as death. Some call it a necessary death for new birth to come through; I can’t say I agree though I don’t necessarily disagree either. What I do know is that the lack of color makes me sad. It makes me feel trapped an uninspired. It makes me feel other things too I just don’t know how to put them into words. I am realizing that it’s the sudden exhilaration of all the autumn color that makes me feel so alive this time of year and the sudden loss of all of it that hits me so hard to my core. I have come to realize this is why I crave to move away from Michigan so much. I feel like I’m losing time. Time is incredibly short in our life as it is, and to live in a state where so much of our fun times have to be shoved into a small amount of months of warm weather breaks my heart. That may seem extreme to some but I feel it, and it hurts. The idea of November coming in just over a month has me already grieving summer, and fall has just begun. I am not sure how to rid myself of a cycle like this. I have never liked winter that I can remember, so that part is nothing new; however in the past couple of years my dislike of winter has grown into disdain. I doubt that will change. And it’s not looking like I will be moving anytime in my near future. Trever has a good job here and he likes winter. I guess I need to learn how to deal with winter in a better way. I’m not sure how to do that. People might suggest getting out of the house more in the winter etc… and I have tried those things. I don’t like to go out in the winter. I can’t go out all the time anyway, so the trick is finding a way to be happy at home. Winter actually causes me physical pain. I know it does for others as well and I know that feeds into my hate of the white cold fluffy stuff. For now I'm going to try to focus on the very beautiful blue sky that is outside. It’s not like I am a blubbering mess on the floor; I’m just coming to realize some issues I'm having with the changing season and trying through recognition too come up with idea’s to get past it and not let it take me over. Winter maybe the season of death, but it doesn't mean I want to allow it to make me feel dead inside. I was sick the whole time we vacationed in New Orleans and I still felt more free and alive than I have in years. There was art and music everywhere. I’m pretty sure that is why I crave to live there. Maybe someday that will happen or we will at least be able to move south. Today is not that day and if it does happen it will be years from now. I love all the people around me, and this has nothing to do with the any of them. I just felt the need to make the clear. I think my next lifetime I’m going to put in for New Orleans or someplace artistic and warm. Maybe the universe will take this as my advanced job/life application for the next time. 9/26/2013