I find this time of year for me to be very bitter sweet. The scent of the last few grass clippings, the last sounds of children laughing as they play outside, the green passing on to bright colors and bonfires. Autumn is my favorite season. As an artist the color is breathtaking, exciting and inspiring. However it’s followed by death. I see winter as death. Some call it a necessary death for new birth to come through; I can’t say I agree though I don’t necessarily disagree either. What I do know is that the lack of color makes me sad. It makes me feel trapped an uninspired. It makes me feel other things too I just don’t know how to put them into words. I am realizing that it’s the sudden exhilaration of all the autumn color that makes me feel so alive this time of year and the sudden loss of all of it that hits me so hard to my core. I have come to realize this is why I crave to move away from Michigan so much. I feel like I’m losing time. Time is incredibly short in our life as it is, and to live in a state where so much of our fun times have to be shoved into a small amount of months of warm weather breaks my heart. That may seem extreme to some but I feel it, and it hurts. The idea of November coming in just over a month has me already grieving summer, and fall has just begun. I am not sure how to rid myself of a cycle like this. I have never liked winter that I can remember, so that part is nothing new; however in the past couple of years my dislike of winter has grown into disdain. I doubt that will change. And it’s not looking like I will be moving anytime in my near future. Trever has a good job here and he likes winter. I guess I need to learn how to deal with winter in a better way. I’m not sure how to do that. People might suggest getting out of the house more in the winter etc… and I have tried those things. I don’t like to go out in the winter. I can’t go out all the time anyway, so the trick is finding a way to be happy at home. Winter actually causes me physical pain. I know it does for others as well and I know that feeds into my hate of the white cold fluffy stuff. For now I'm going to try to focus on the very beautiful blue sky that is outside. It’s not like I am a blubbering mess on the floor; I’m just coming to realize some issues I'm having with the changing season and trying through recognition too come up with idea’s to get past it and not let it take me over. Winter maybe the season of death, but it doesn't mean I want to allow it to make me feel dead inside. I was sick the whole time we vacationed in New Orleans and I still felt more free and alive than I have in years. There was art and music everywhere. I’m pretty sure that is why I crave to live there. Maybe someday that will happen or we will at least be able to move south. Today is not that day and if it does happen it will be years from now. I love all the people around me, and this has nothing to do with the any of them. I just felt the need to make the clear. I think my next lifetime I’m going to put in for New Orleans or someplace artistic and warm. Maybe the universe will take this as my advanced job/life application for the next time. 9/26/2013

Things found from the past. The Magic I think I have forgotten

Aoi Si (“ess shee”) Okay I’ll share with you what I know about Sidhe. Aos Si or Aes Sidhe. Both pronounced (“ess shee”) are considered powerful underground (or other plane) race. Fairies or Fairies some say. Living under ground in the Fairy mounds (Sidhe mounds). Also known as people of the mounds. Most of this is an Irish Celtic and Gaelic description. Although I believe the Gaelic’s called them Daoine Sidhe (yep looked it up lol) pronounced (“deena shee”). There is a lot of legend about Sidhe once being the people of Tuatha De’ Danann that fled to the otherworld after they where defeated by the Milasians. So the word Sidhe technically is the word for ancient burial mounds. But over the years has become the shorter term for “ess shee” all together. It was the first thing I ever herd them call themselves when I realized they where not scary things talking to me. At first I didn’t realize it just wasn’t a name of one of them and it always seemed like they where just asking me to be quite. LOL Shee… In fact I didn’t realize till I got older that ess shee was the name of them. Not just one of them. I had bought the faery oracle cards and read that and that’s when I realized it was what they where called. Lol. They have a lot of different names. Maybe something to do with my past lives or something why they gave me the name Sidhe (shee). And when I was younger I used to dream about this place call Tir na' nog. And there was this girl in my dream and her name was Tuatha Danann. This always kept them names in my head. I got up one morning and Ben was watching this cheesy yet intriguing show and the land the people lived in was call Tir na’ nog. Which lead me to look it up online and stuff and I found out that it’s basically the land of youth. And associated with Tuatha De’ Danann. Yes it freaked me out. But now I know why I had those dreams. And after my mom died they used to come to me in my sleep as well. Long story anyway. So I guess that is why I have this Kin of sorts to the Fae. I think they have always been around me or there for me. I just don’t talk about it a lot because well in the past I had been met with. Oh how cute you like the fae. Stuff like that. People don’t tend to take you serious if you are into the fae. At least that’s been my experience. Because most people see them as cute little people with butterfly wings as seen in cartoons. Anyway. That got longer than I had planned sorry…

A New Year

Wow Damn it has been a long time since I posted here. I keep thinking I will use this more often but I'm pretty blessed to have a lot of people to talk to which means I don't need it as often. I don't seem to be having the issue of depression now that I am back on my meds and sharing my issues again instead of trying to keep them from everyone.. Damn that hurts and I still fall into that cycle from time to time. Its a new year, the past year was not Good... but it was not Bad either. So all in all I'm not sad to see it go but I'm happy for a new year. I had such a wonderful holiday season with my family and friends. Again I am blessed. things with Trever and I are wonderful. We have been together for 3 years as of Jan. 2nd. Damn. wonder if he is going to propose sometimes soon.. I would be so honored and excited to be his wife. We have New Orleans coming up in March. OMG I can't wait.. More later when I have more time to write.. At least that is the plan....