Pain and depression

So I'm realizing a pattern over the past week. Each morning I wake up in incredible pain and incredibly depress. The depression is from waking up in pain. If it was not for the pain I wouldn't feel so fucking sad each morning. Some nights I got to bed just dreading what I will feel like when I wake up. And I realize that when I was able to take a dervocet at night before I would go to bed those mornings I wouldn't wake up quit as sore as I have been. But I can't take that anymore. Its no longer on the market.

They gave me Tylenol 3 which doesn't seem to do a damn thing for my pain. My RH doc upped my lyrica a wail ago and that isn't doing anything for the pain either. I'm starting to wonder if there is anything that is going to take this fucking pain away. I hate this. I'm tired all the time. I'm tired of having to depend on other people to do things for me becuase I just can't seem to get to them.

I'm tired of Elric giving me task to do and feeling overwhelmed that I might not be able to get them done becuase I'm in so much pain.
And than to add insult to injury my sinus's have been killing me every morning. I'm taking suddefed and pain meds for it and they feel like they are on fucking fire. I have gone through 3 sets of antibiotics now. I'm pretty sure if it was a sinus infection it would have gone away by now. So what the hell is up with that.

Fuck I guess I'm tired of being me. And this isn't a pity party. Or poor me. Its just a giant fucking vent because I can't vent this to people. Not becuase they will not listen but because I don't want to talk about it to people.

Auto write /Feeling down

I'm up way to early again. Probably go back to bed for a bit if I can even sleep. Well I guess sleep in not really the issue. Pain in the real issue. I'm up because it hurts to sleep. Fucked up I know. And I'm just feeling extreemly sad today. I want to cry and I'm not sure why that is. I feel like the world is so far away from me I can't reach it. I see this scene from a Tim Burton film. Creep black dead trees barely moving in the wind. And the Wind is really this monster waiting to trip you up and swallow you hole.

Swallow me. That is how I feel today I feel like I just want to be swallowed up. I'm tired. I'm tired of so many things. None of which I have any control over. Its not like I can change some things.

I feel like I want to scream but if I scream no one will really hear me. And if they did hear me I would feel bad. Like I'm pushing my pain on them somehow. Why do I have to feel like that. Why do I feel like I have to suffer alone. I guess becuase I don't feel like anyone else should have to suffer. I feel like No one else really wants to know. Not becuase they don't care about me. I know they care about me. But becuase they don't know what to do to help me, and than they feel as helpless as I do. Its a viscous circle I wish would stop repeating. Ground hogs day. Yahoooooooooo.

I fucking hate feeling the way I do right now. I feel cut off from my family but at the same time I just don't have much in common with my family. Sometimes there is to much drama in my family. So I keep a distance and I know one day I will look back and regret time lost with my sisters or my dad. I just don't know what to do about that. Maybe that is another reason I'm feeling the way I do today. Though I'm meeting them all for lunch today. We do once a month. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I just want to go to bed and not get back up. But my body wouldn't allow that.

My dreams are driving me crazy. Bloody bloody dreams about people being shot in the head. About husbands shooting themselves laying in bed right next to their wives and all of that going all over the wife as she wakes up to the noise. What a horrific way to go. What a horrific way to leave someone a memory they can never let go. Why am I having dreams of people being shot. I don't understand. Puddles of blood in my dreams last night. All of them. Maybe that is the other reason my head is in the space it is. Maybe I should just trying going back to bed and hoping I don't dream. Hoping the fucking pain I'm in will not stop me AGAIN from being able to sleep well.

Why can't I just have a normal body. Why can't I have back the one I had where I could fire dance, belly dance, drum, paint etc. taking a deep breath. It stops the tears and I'm not ready to let them flow. I'm not ready to give up yet today. But maybe that is what I need to do. Just give into the tears. I don't think can. Back to that again I guess.

Okay time to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop writing such down bull crap.

Trapped

Trapped inside this awful body is a wonderfully young hearted woman. One who wants to dance in the wind. Swing her arms up high and touch the tips of red leaves. One that wants to play with the fire swirling around her. Push the button so the dragon and light a torch.
Swing a staff that makes people look. Role on the ground and look up at the clouds.

Trapped inside is this little voice that wants to cry out, to scream stop stop stop now. Go away and never come back. Why are you holding me back. Why do you make me cry. Make me feel a burden on those who love me. Make my eyes blurt so its hard to read the screen as I type. Why do you make me feel as if my goals are just out of my reach because I can't stretch my shoulder that far with out great pain.

Trapped in a dark closet, can't show my real self. She is trapped in silence. Unable to play the music she hears in her head. Unable to play the games she would like to play, she can't make the moves. Unable to dance around the fire she longs to build so high that it could be seen from the stars down. A fire that would burn to let the universe know she is here suffering, begging for, forgiveness for what she may have done in a past life or this life that she is caring this burden. Building a fire so big that the moon will dance with me in my joy once I have pain no more. Must I die to leave this pain behind? Must I die to remember what it feels like to live with out such pain.

I'm not ready to die yet. So I'll endure what the universe has given me. Trapped in this body or not I have to try, try to keep going. I refuse to give up to the pain. You can't own me. God damn it you can't own me. I know I have done things in my past that I wish I had not done. Its time for me to forgive myself for mistakes. Mistakes is just what they where. And no more. I forgive myself for hurting my sister once upon a time. I was young and didn't know better. And for that I am sorry. I know you forgive me. But I need to forgive me. And I am doing that right now. I made a mistake that I can not take back. Not even that big of a mistake in the grand scheme of things. But always on the back of my mind. Perhaps because you have moved on to a new place. Please forgive me as I forgive myself.

I need to forgive myself for Barbs death. It was not my fault. I am not the reason she went over the edge. And yet I so feel like it. Her and I talked before her death and she seemed fine with me. I knew she was going to kill herself and there was nothing I could do. I did what I could. I told Prof. She was in the hospital and they let her go to early. Its not my fault she chose to end her life the way she did. I accept that I had a role in her life. But I don't own the burden of her death. I let that go. And I hope my subconscious can as well.

I forgive myself for hurting Rick. I never meant to hurt him with the poly thing. And yet I feel I have. And yet it has lead us to amazing places. Even though we are not longer together. I feel as if when I look back it was easy to see than we would no longer be together at anytime. We had split up once already. Did I subconsciously pick this lifestlye because I knew it wasn't working? I don't know. Perhaps I have/did. But that is in the past and we are much happier now than we where back than. Life was as if we where robots. And it is so much more now. I'm happy he has found someone. I'm happy I have found someone. We are both happy. So I let that go. What happened happened and it was the path I we where meant to take and it has lead us to really really good spaces and places and given us friends and family we wouldn't have had. So I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for not being there for my kids when they might have needed me. I missed that Ben was beating up Crystal. I didn't see it as bad as it must have been for her because she is scared because of it. I see it. I just don't know how to fix it. Ben is so withdrawn. Though I don't know what I would have done different about that. I pushed him to make new friends to go out and do things not stay in his room. And even with that he is still shy. Though that is a family trait his father used to be that way as well. My kids have turned out well even though I feel as if I failed them both in some area's of their lives. By not being as aware as I needed to be. That one It might take me more time to forgive myself for. But I'm working on it and I'm working towards that.

I don't want to be trapped by pain anymore. And if pain is from all the stuff I hold on to it is my prayer and wish that I be able to forgive myself and all those who have hurt me. I know I still hold on to what Juanita did. And I need to let that go. Why I can't I'm not sure. But I'm working on it.

Time heals all wounds is the saying. But does it really? I don't think time has anything to do with some of the pains we have. I think we tuck them away thinking time healed them. When really they just got tucked away at the time but our unconscious and subconscious minds hold more than we realize. Now I just need to let it all go.

Trapped by this pain a person young at heart wants to break free from it so I can climb a hill, hick a mile, dance all night, Paint a master piece and capture moments on film that will way out live me.

Release me from this prison of pain and allow me in this life to once again enjoy the things that I did in the past. Enjoy the things I took for granted. Enjoy the things that I didn't take enough time to enjoy when I could have.

Auto write as winter comes

I feel it in my bones in my soul. The death surrounds me now more than it has in a long time. Last year I missed the real death of it all. I was in a space so deep inside myself that the only thing I could feel was nothingness. Now I feel the cold. I feel the deep call to the gods of death. I feel the deep call to my alter to speak but I am so lost as to who to speak to or how to speak to them. Its simple and yet I can not seem to do it.
I feel this invisible force field around anything in my life that makes me feel a connection to the universe. To the divine. Even the divine in myself. I have gone through so many changes in my life in the past few months. I am finally starting to understand where I am. Who I love, how I love them, how I serve them, how I am a source of stability for them. I understand more how to be the two things I love at the same time. And I feel a pull to the metaphysical more than I have in well over a year. I felt burned out. Burned up. rejected and surrounded by things I didn't want and didn't understand. But that is all gone. The person who made my life feel stuck in limbo is gone. He can no longer hurt the people I love. He can no longer have a hold over people and things he once had.

I never was in love with this person. And yet I still feel the absence of him in a strange way. But I think what I really miss and feel is the fact that back than we at least seen something. Even if some of what we seen was an illusion. It was still something. and I am so ready to see again. I hear things talking to me. Often its like a static of things I can't quit understand yet. but they are trying and I'm getting closer to understanding. I have started getting messages for people again and as I write this I feel as if something is pushing down on my hands telling me my path is right there take a step. and I will I just need to figure out how to take that first step again. I need to keep listening to the messages I get even if they are for others and not for me. I will hear my own messages when I guess I'm ready. And I feel so damn close i can smell it. I can smell the magic of clairvoyance. And it smells sweet and familiar to me. As if it was a flower planted in my soul and its waiting for me to water it.

I feel the moon but I have neglected her for to long. Will she want me back. I feel the grass under my feet and the trees I miss dearly. I do miss my trees when death sets in for the winter months.

I need to find my way. I feel that if I can start to find my way others will follow. Trever will follow and time and space will be where they are supposed to and some much of that force field will be down that we will see light glowing from those around us as we have never been able to see before.

I see the light it is blue and bright and has pink in the center. And it grows with each word I type. With each thought of connection I have.

I want so much to learn more about past lives. To connect to where I began. To help others do the same thing. I need to. I need to help others find that old path as much as I need to breath and it hurts. It hurts like the pain of losing a loved one. You want it so bad you want to just reach out and touch it, touch them. but its gone and all you can do is grieve and move on. but there is no reason to grieve here. I can touch this again I just need to take that step.

I feel creative today, lets try and auto write.

The coldness in the world, Dark and baron. The earth opens and a heat seeps from its core. Heat that will melt a diamond. Its luster lost to a world beneath our feet. The sun shining down and yet it can't seem to capture the the leaves the way the wind can. The breeze through the branches, the creak, the smell of dirt. Fresh dirt being unearthed. Beneath our feet is a whole new world. One not explored by the faint of heart. Only the brave of soul will venture that deep. The deeper you go the more you learn. Explore inside. Explore yourself. Where are you coming from. Who are you coming from. Why are you here. What do you hear. Can you hear your heart beating. Thump thump thump. Its beating faster. Your afraid. You don't know where your going. All you see in the darkness of a place you have yet to go. Its scary isn't it? Its scary to know that deep down things could be buried that you don't remember. Things could be buried that you don't recall. Where did those memories go? Why are they lost to a pit in the earth that smells of death and decay? Taking a step at a time you find your way through the mist of your thoughts. The files of time lost, Lost like a child in a forest so deep that no light can make it inside. You reach for your flash light only to find your batteries are dead. You don't have what it takes to go so deep do you? Your to afraid to face yourself in a mirror. But there is no reason for fear becuase what you will see in the mirror will free you from so much pain. Pain is not yours. It belongs to the bastards who gave it to you. Give it back. They may not have meant to hurt you but they did. It was deep and dirty and nasty and you hate it and you want it to all go away and you so don't want to explore it because you might find your way home and home is scary. You have never really been home. You think you are. But you are in a shell of what should be your home.
Reach for a star. Lasso it with a golden ray of light. The light is alive in side your solar plexus just reach in its yours now and always. It was yours the day you where born. Born of royal places, pale faces, Indians dancing along the river side waiting for the great eagle to fly by and tell them where the buffalo will be..
Hunting for the past. Shoot the bastard and let him lay in a puddle of blood. Deep red rotting blood. Something that he should be laying in right now. Dead just like the memory. Once you remember you let it go and you never have to relive it again. Though living it was worst than anything you ever thought would happen. The pain, you curled up on a ball on the floor begging for the pain to go away. Your mother so far away and yet so close. Does she care. I don't think she knows how to care. And if she doesn't care who does? Who does really care about you. If you want to really be cared for you have to care for yourself before you will feel what others are giving you. Warm up the the fact that you deserve to live, to be free, to dance and to be loved. The past you can not change but you can chose to live now in the present and not allow your unconscious mind to rule all you do. The subconscious is a powerful place to have your secrete burn that file so you never have to read it again. Its gone for now and gone for good. never read it again. Never Read It Again.

Sleep well tonight my child for with you I will be now and forever. you only need to remain open to me begin here. Hear the crow. Follow his wings to places not so scary. He can take you to the light in your night time path of destruction instead of you living in a limbo of nowhere and no one to care. Follow the crow, Follow the crow.

Will it work?

So Saturday Trever drove me 2 or more hours away from home to go see a Theta Therapist. Which is a fancy name for a hypnotherapist. But he chose the other name because when you hear hypno you get all these images of stage shows like HP does etc...

He is not like that at all. In fact he was very nice. The session went very well.

Unfortunately I am still having migraines. Though I will say they are very low level so far. In fact Sunday It was low level and went away after a couple of hours on its own no meds. So that is something. Today I have a level one. Same as Sunday. So far its 11:30am and it has not gone away on its own yet. But still its a Level one. They are not as hard to deal with as many of them I have been having.

I'm staying positive that this will have helped in some way. At the same time I'm waiting to see if the weather changes. Since a large amount of my migraines have been linked to weather. Though Tim's theory is that weather has nothing to do with it and its still another issue.

Let there be a crappy, cloudy , rainy day and we will see if I still stay at a low level or none at all.

I was a bit bummed that it didn't seem to be any of my extended family seemed to be real supportive of this. In the sense of I sent out and email on my family board and told them I was going. And I didn't so much as get one person make a comment to it. I know it went to the board. And I sent a email about minxy just before that and that is getting comments. So what does that mean? Does that mean that even though my family says they really, really want to know what is going on in my life they don't have time to care either. That it's all a facade. That they do want to know. They just don't really have time to care? They don't have time to reply to the message? They don't know what to say? Do they think I'm full of shit?

I don't know and I guess in the long run it doesn't matter. Rick, and Trever really cared. Rick even called after to see how I was doing. That made me feel really good i have to say.

So I do what I do. I take it one day at a time. And the next time I'm going through something in my life and one person complains I didn't share I tell them to get over it. When I do share you don't comment anyway. So why would I continue to do so. And I love them for who they are, and continue to know in my heart they care but life is life. It is what it is and people care but they don't know how or can't take time. It's all good :) I can do this anyway. I want it.

Its been a long time.

It has been a really long time since I posted to this blog. I almost forgot I had it. Seems a shame to have a blog that no one reads. That means no one will know my inner most thoughts. Which I don't know. Hell that might be a good thing.

I'm having a hard time with being bored these days. Gita suggested a reason and I didn't agree with it at first but after today I do agree with it.

I think that I have become Master Elric's babygirl and lost myself. Now that is not his fault. He is amazing and I am so very blessed to have him in my life. Its my fault. I put all my needs aside. I'm doing the same thing with him I have done in my last relationships. I start to define me by the person I am with.

So how do I change that? How do I continue to be a submissive with out being only a submissive. I am finding that I can't think of any of my own needs. All my thoughts go back to him no matter what I think about. Even if I think about art I think well is there something I could make him. Is there something that would make him happy.

I know what would make him happy would be for me to find me again. He doesn't want me to live for only him. He doesn't want me to create new boxes to replace the ones we worked so hard to get rid of. I have lost confidence in anything I could do in the past. And self doubt was already an issue for me. Fix it. I need to fix it.

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time. I know I'm kind of looking forward to making Christmas gifts. I find that is a drive for me right now. And I guess that is really what i need. What drives me. So if I sit back and I think about it the things that really drive me right now are making things for other people. And you might say that is still not doing something for me. And maybe its not. But making other people smile does do something for me. Doing something with my hands does something for me.

I know now I need to be careful or I will never be me. I will be the me I think the person I'm with needs me to be. I want to be everything Master Elric needs but I can't be that if I'm not doing things for me as well. I will get lost in what he needs and one day resent it. And that is not good for either of us. I'm debating on whether or not to send him this link so he can read my blog. One I'm not totally sure he would even read it or comment on it.. I don't know that it matters to him what I'm writing in here. I know that part of me desperately needs him to do those things. I need him to care that deeply about me that he wants to look inside of my head and see what makes me tick. I guess I can't make him though all I can do is share the link. Nervous. Not sure why.

I know there are days when all I want to do is be his girl. Everyone else can just go away. That is becoming a real issue for me because I'm starting to resent being here all the time. Not with Master Elric but that fact that Prof is here everyday and so am I. I need to find something to do with myself so I don't feel like any second Prof could come find me and ask me to do things for him. I don't mind so much when I'm getting some kind of check from him but I'm not his girl so when I'm not his employee I hate it.. I hate it so much I want to scream. And at the same time he keeps a roof over my head so I shouldn't complain. Its so hard for me at times.

I think I'll stop for now since If I keep writing it will not be positive. And Positive thought breeds Positive behavior. I keep reminding myself of that. And I'm remain confidant that I will find my muse again.