Auto write as winter comes

I feel it in my bones in my soul. The death surrounds me now more than it has in a long time. Last year I missed the real death of it all. I was in a space so deep inside myself that the only thing I could feel was nothingness. Now I feel the cold. I feel the deep call to the gods of death. I feel the deep call to my alter to speak but I am so lost as to who to speak to or how to speak to them. Its simple and yet I can not seem to do it.
I feel this invisible force field around anything in my life that makes me feel a connection to the universe. To the divine. Even the divine in myself. I have gone through so many changes in my life in the past few months. I am finally starting to understand where I am. Who I love, how I love them, how I serve them, how I am a source of stability for them. I understand more how to be the two things I love at the same time. And I feel a pull to the metaphysical more than I have in well over a year. I felt burned out. Burned up. rejected and surrounded by things I didn't want and didn't understand. But that is all gone. The person who made my life feel stuck in limbo is gone. He can no longer hurt the people I love. He can no longer have a hold over people and things he once had.

I never was in love with this person. And yet I still feel the absence of him in a strange way. But I think what I really miss and feel is the fact that back than we at least seen something. Even if some of what we seen was an illusion. It was still something. and I am so ready to see again. I hear things talking to me. Often its like a static of things I can't quit understand yet. but they are trying and I'm getting closer to understanding. I have started getting messages for people again and as I write this I feel as if something is pushing down on my hands telling me my path is right there take a step. and I will I just need to figure out how to take that first step again. I need to keep listening to the messages I get even if they are for others and not for me. I will hear my own messages when I guess I'm ready. And I feel so damn close i can smell it. I can smell the magic of clairvoyance. And it smells sweet and familiar to me. As if it was a flower planted in my soul and its waiting for me to water it.

I feel the moon but I have neglected her for to long. Will she want me back. I feel the grass under my feet and the trees I miss dearly. I do miss my trees when death sets in for the winter months.

I need to find my way. I feel that if I can start to find my way others will follow. Trever will follow and time and space will be where they are supposed to and some much of that force field will be down that we will see light glowing from those around us as we have never been able to see before.

I see the light it is blue and bright and has pink in the center. And it grows with each word I type. With each thought of connection I have.

I want so much to learn more about past lives. To connect to where I began. To help others do the same thing. I need to. I need to help others find that old path as much as I need to breath and it hurts. It hurts like the pain of losing a loved one. You want it so bad you want to just reach out and touch it, touch them. but its gone and all you can do is grieve and move on. but there is no reason to grieve here. I can touch this again I just need to take that step.