Its been a long time.

It has been a really long time since I posted to this blog. I almost forgot I had it. Seems a shame to have a blog that no one reads. That means no one will know my inner most thoughts. Which I don't know. Hell that might be a good thing.

I'm having a hard time with being bored these days. Gita suggested a reason and I didn't agree with it at first but after today I do agree with it.

I think that I have become Master Elric's babygirl and lost myself. Now that is not his fault. He is amazing and I am so very blessed to have him in my life. Its my fault. I put all my needs aside. I'm doing the same thing with him I have done in my last relationships. I start to define me by the person I am with.

So how do I change that? How do I continue to be a submissive with out being only a submissive. I am finding that I can't think of any of my own needs. All my thoughts go back to him no matter what I think about. Even if I think about art I think well is there something I could make him. Is there something that would make him happy.

I know what would make him happy would be for me to find me again. He doesn't want me to live for only him. He doesn't want me to create new boxes to replace the ones we worked so hard to get rid of. I have lost confidence in anything I could do in the past. And self doubt was already an issue for me. Fix it. I need to fix it.

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time. I know I'm kind of looking forward to making Christmas gifts. I find that is a drive for me right now. And I guess that is really what i need. What drives me. So if I sit back and I think about it the things that really drive me right now are making things for other people. And you might say that is still not doing something for me. And maybe its not. But making other people smile does do something for me. Doing something with my hands does something for me.

I know now I need to be careful or I will never be me. I will be the me I think the person I'm with needs me to be. I want to be everything Master Elric needs but I can't be that if I'm not doing things for me as well. I will get lost in what he needs and one day resent it. And that is not good for either of us. I'm debating on whether or not to send him this link so he can read my blog. One I'm not totally sure he would even read it or comment on it.. I don't know that it matters to him what I'm writing in here. I know that part of me desperately needs him to do those things. I need him to care that deeply about me that he wants to look inside of my head and see what makes me tick. I guess I can't make him though all I can do is share the link. Nervous. Not sure why.

I know there are days when all I want to do is be his girl. Everyone else can just go away. That is becoming a real issue for me because I'm starting to resent being here all the time. Not with Master Elric but that fact that Prof is here everyday and so am I. I need to find something to do with myself so I don't feel like any second Prof could come find me and ask me to do things for him. I don't mind so much when I'm getting some kind of check from him but I'm not his girl so when I'm not his employee I hate it.. I hate it so much I want to scream. And at the same time he keeps a roof over my head so I shouldn't complain. Its so hard for me at times.

I think I'll stop for now since If I keep writing it will not be positive. And Positive thought breeds Positive behavior. I keep reminding myself of that. And I'm remain confidant that I will find my muse again.