I feel creative today, lets try and auto write.

The coldness in the world, Dark and baron. The earth opens and a heat seeps from its core. Heat that will melt a diamond. Its luster lost to a world beneath our feet. The sun shining down and yet it can't seem to capture the the leaves the way the wind can. The breeze through the branches, the creak, the smell of dirt. Fresh dirt being unearthed. Beneath our feet is a whole new world. One not explored by the faint of heart. Only the brave of soul will venture that deep. The deeper you go the more you learn. Explore inside. Explore yourself. Where are you coming from. Who are you coming from. Why are you here. What do you hear. Can you hear your heart beating. Thump thump thump. Its beating faster. Your afraid. You don't know where your going. All you see in the darkness of a place you have yet to go. Its scary isn't it? Its scary to know that deep down things could be buried that you don't remember. Things could be buried that you don't recall. Where did those memories go? Why are they lost to a pit in the earth that smells of death and decay? Taking a step at a time you find your way through the mist of your thoughts. The files of time lost, Lost like a child in a forest so deep that no light can make it inside. You reach for your flash light only to find your batteries are dead. You don't have what it takes to go so deep do you? Your to afraid to face yourself in a mirror. But there is no reason for fear becuase what you will see in the mirror will free you from so much pain. Pain is not yours. It belongs to the bastards who gave it to you. Give it back. They may not have meant to hurt you but they did. It was deep and dirty and nasty and you hate it and you want it to all go away and you so don't want to explore it because you might find your way home and home is scary. You have never really been home. You think you are. But you are in a shell of what should be your home.
Reach for a star. Lasso it with a golden ray of light. The light is alive in side your solar plexus just reach in its yours now and always. It was yours the day you where born. Born of royal places, pale faces, Indians dancing along the river side waiting for the great eagle to fly by and tell them where the buffalo will be..
Hunting for the past. Shoot the bastard and let him lay in a puddle of blood. Deep red rotting blood. Something that he should be laying in right now. Dead just like the memory. Once you remember you let it go and you never have to relive it again. Though living it was worst than anything you ever thought would happen. The pain, you curled up on a ball on the floor begging for the pain to go away. Your mother so far away and yet so close. Does she care. I don't think she knows how to care. And if she doesn't care who does? Who does really care about you. If you want to really be cared for you have to care for yourself before you will feel what others are giving you. Warm up the the fact that you deserve to live, to be free, to dance and to be loved. The past you can not change but you can chose to live now in the present and not allow your unconscious mind to rule all you do. The subconscious is a powerful place to have your secrete burn that file so you never have to read it again. Its gone for now and gone for good. never read it again. Never Read It Again.

Sleep well tonight my child for with you I will be now and forever. you only need to remain open to me begin here. Hear the crow. Follow his wings to places not so scary. He can take you to the light in your night time path of destruction instead of you living in a limbo of nowhere and no one to care. Follow the crow, Follow the crow.

Will it work?

So Saturday Trever drove me 2 or more hours away from home to go see a Theta Therapist. Which is a fancy name for a hypnotherapist. But he chose the other name because when you hear hypno you get all these images of stage shows like HP does etc...

He is not like that at all. In fact he was very nice. The session went very well.

Unfortunately I am still having migraines. Though I will say they are very low level so far. In fact Sunday It was low level and went away after a couple of hours on its own no meds. So that is something. Today I have a level one. Same as Sunday. So far its 11:30am and it has not gone away on its own yet. But still its a Level one. They are not as hard to deal with as many of them I have been having.

I'm staying positive that this will have helped in some way. At the same time I'm waiting to see if the weather changes. Since a large amount of my migraines have been linked to weather. Though Tim's theory is that weather has nothing to do with it and its still another issue.

Let there be a crappy, cloudy , rainy day and we will see if I still stay at a low level or none at all.

I was a bit bummed that it didn't seem to be any of my extended family seemed to be real supportive of this. In the sense of I sent out and email on my family board and told them I was going. And I didn't so much as get one person make a comment to it. I know it went to the board. And I sent a email about minxy just before that and that is getting comments. So what does that mean? Does that mean that even though my family says they really, really want to know what is going on in my life they don't have time to care either. That it's all a facade. That they do want to know. They just don't really have time to care? They don't have time to reply to the message? They don't know what to say? Do they think I'm full of shit?

I don't know and I guess in the long run it doesn't matter. Rick, and Trever really cared. Rick even called after to see how I was doing. That made me feel really good i have to say.

So I do what I do. I take it one day at a time. And the next time I'm going through something in my life and one person complains I didn't share I tell them to get over it. When I do share you don't comment anyway. So why would I continue to do so. And I love them for who they are, and continue to know in my heart they care but life is life. It is what it is and people care but they don't know how or can't take time. It's all good :) I can do this anyway. I want it.

Its been a long time.

It has been a really long time since I posted to this blog. I almost forgot I had it. Seems a shame to have a blog that no one reads. That means no one will know my inner most thoughts. Which I don't know. Hell that might be a good thing.

I'm having a hard time with being bored these days. Gita suggested a reason and I didn't agree with it at first but after today I do agree with it.

I think that I have become Master Elric's babygirl and lost myself. Now that is not his fault. He is amazing and I am so very blessed to have him in my life. Its my fault. I put all my needs aside. I'm doing the same thing with him I have done in my last relationships. I start to define me by the person I am with.

So how do I change that? How do I continue to be a submissive with out being only a submissive. I am finding that I can't think of any of my own needs. All my thoughts go back to him no matter what I think about. Even if I think about art I think well is there something I could make him. Is there something that would make him happy.

I know what would make him happy would be for me to find me again. He doesn't want me to live for only him. He doesn't want me to create new boxes to replace the ones we worked so hard to get rid of. I have lost confidence in anything I could do in the past. And self doubt was already an issue for me. Fix it. I need to fix it.

I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time. I know I'm kind of looking forward to making Christmas gifts. I find that is a drive for me right now. And I guess that is really what i need. What drives me. So if I sit back and I think about it the things that really drive me right now are making things for other people. And you might say that is still not doing something for me. And maybe its not. But making other people smile does do something for me. Doing something with my hands does something for me.

I know now I need to be careful or I will never be me. I will be the me I think the person I'm with needs me to be. I want to be everything Master Elric needs but I can't be that if I'm not doing things for me as well. I will get lost in what he needs and one day resent it. And that is not good for either of us. I'm debating on whether or not to send him this link so he can read my blog. One I'm not totally sure he would even read it or comment on it.. I don't know that it matters to him what I'm writing in here. I know that part of me desperately needs him to do those things. I need him to care that deeply about me that he wants to look inside of my head and see what makes me tick. I guess I can't make him though all I can do is share the link. Nervous. Not sure why.

I know there are days when all I want to do is be his girl. Everyone else can just go away. That is becoming a real issue for me because I'm starting to resent being here all the time. Not with Master Elric but that fact that Prof is here everyday and so am I. I need to find something to do with myself so I don't feel like any second Prof could come find me and ask me to do things for him. I don't mind so much when I'm getting some kind of check from him but I'm not his girl so when I'm not his employee I hate it.. I hate it so much I want to scream. And at the same time he keeps a roof over my head so I shouldn't complain. Its so hard for me at times.

I think I'll stop for now since If I keep writing it will not be positive. And Positive thought breeds Positive behavior. I keep reminding myself of that. And I'm remain confidant that I will find my muse again.