Trapped

Trapped inside this awful body is a wonderfully young hearted woman. One who wants to dance in the wind. Swing her arms up high and touch the tips of red leaves. One that wants to play with the fire swirling around her. Push the button so the dragon and light a torch.
Swing a staff that makes people look. Role on the ground and look up at the clouds.

Trapped inside is this little voice that wants to cry out, to scream stop stop stop now. Go away and never come back. Why are you holding me back. Why do you make me cry. Make me feel a burden on those who love me. Make my eyes blurt so its hard to read the screen as I type. Why do you make me feel as if my goals are just out of my reach because I can't stretch my shoulder that far with out great pain.

Trapped in a dark closet, can't show my real self. She is trapped in silence. Unable to play the music she hears in her head. Unable to play the games she would like to play, she can't make the moves. Unable to dance around the fire she longs to build so high that it could be seen from the stars down. A fire that would burn to let the universe know she is here suffering, begging for, forgiveness for what she may have done in a past life or this life that she is caring this burden. Building a fire so big that the moon will dance with me in my joy once I have pain no more. Must I die to leave this pain behind? Must I die to remember what it feels like to live with out such pain.

I'm not ready to die yet. So I'll endure what the universe has given me. Trapped in this body or not I have to try, try to keep going. I refuse to give up to the pain. You can't own me. God damn it you can't own me. I know I have done things in my past that I wish I had not done. Its time for me to forgive myself for mistakes. Mistakes is just what they where. And no more. I forgive myself for hurting my sister once upon a time. I was young and didn't know better. And for that I am sorry. I know you forgive me. But I need to forgive me. And I am doing that right now. I made a mistake that I can not take back. Not even that big of a mistake in the grand scheme of things. But always on the back of my mind. Perhaps because you have moved on to a new place. Please forgive me as I forgive myself.

I need to forgive myself for Barbs death. It was not my fault. I am not the reason she went over the edge. And yet I so feel like it. Her and I talked before her death and she seemed fine with me. I knew she was going to kill herself and there was nothing I could do. I did what I could. I told Prof. She was in the hospital and they let her go to early. Its not my fault she chose to end her life the way she did. I accept that I had a role in her life. But I don't own the burden of her death. I let that go. And I hope my subconscious can as well.

I forgive myself for hurting Rick. I never meant to hurt him with the poly thing. And yet I feel I have. And yet it has lead us to amazing places. Even though we are not longer together. I feel as if when I look back it was easy to see than we would no longer be together at anytime. We had split up once already. Did I subconsciously pick this lifestlye because I knew it wasn't working? I don't know. Perhaps I have/did. But that is in the past and we are much happier now than we where back than. Life was as if we where robots. And it is so much more now. I'm happy he has found someone. I'm happy I have found someone. We are both happy. So I let that go. What happened happened and it was the path I we where meant to take and it has lead us to really really good spaces and places and given us friends and family we wouldn't have had. So I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for not being there for my kids when they might have needed me. I missed that Ben was beating up Crystal. I didn't see it as bad as it must have been for her because she is scared because of it. I see it. I just don't know how to fix it. Ben is so withdrawn. Though I don't know what I would have done different about that. I pushed him to make new friends to go out and do things not stay in his room. And even with that he is still shy. Though that is a family trait his father used to be that way as well. My kids have turned out well even though I feel as if I failed them both in some area's of their lives. By not being as aware as I needed to be. That one It might take me more time to forgive myself for. But I'm working on it and I'm working towards that.

I don't want to be trapped by pain anymore. And if pain is from all the stuff I hold on to it is my prayer and wish that I be able to forgive myself and all those who have hurt me. I know I still hold on to what Juanita did. And I need to let that go. Why I can't I'm not sure. But I'm working on it.

Time heals all wounds is the saying. But does it really? I don't think time has anything to do with some of the pains we have. I think we tuck them away thinking time healed them. When really they just got tucked away at the time but our unconscious and subconscious minds hold more than we realize. Now I just need to let it all go.

Trapped by this pain a person young at heart wants to break free from it so I can climb a hill, hick a mile, dance all night, Paint a master piece and capture moments on film that will way out live me.

Release me from this prison of pain and allow me in this life to once again enjoy the things that I did in the past. Enjoy the things I took for granted. Enjoy the things that I didn't take enough time to enjoy when I could have.

Auto write as winter comes

I feel it in my bones in my soul. The death surrounds me now more than it has in a long time. Last year I missed the real death of it all. I was in a space so deep inside myself that the only thing I could feel was nothingness. Now I feel the cold. I feel the deep call to the gods of death. I feel the deep call to my alter to speak but I am so lost as to who to speak to or how to speak to them. Its simple and yet I can not seem to do it.
I feel this invisible force field around anything in my life that makes me feel a connection to the universe. To the divine. Even the divine in myself. I have gone through so many changes in my life in the past few months. I am finally starting to understand where I am. Who I love, how I love them, how I serve them, how I am a source of stability for them. I understand more how to be the two things I love at the same time. And I feel a pull to the metaphysical more than I have in well over a year. I felt burned out. Burned up. rejected and surrounded by things I didn't want and didn't understand. But that is all gone. The person who made my life feel stuck in limbo is gone. He can no longer hurt the people I love. He can no longer have a hold over people and things he once had.

I never was in love with this person. And yet I still feel the absence of him in a strange way. But I think what I really miss and feel is the fact that back than we at least seen something. Even if some of what we seen was an illusion. It was still something. and I am so ready to see again. I hear things talking to me. Often its like a static of things I can't quit understand yet. but they are trying and I'm getting closer to understanding. I have started getting messages for people again and as I write this I feel as if something is pushing down on my hands telling me my path is right there take a step. and I will I just need to figure out how to take that first step again. I need to keep listening to the messages I get even if they are for others and not for me. I will hear my own messages when I guess I'm ready. And I feel so damn close i can smell it. I can smell the magic of clairvoyance. And it smells sweet and familiar to me. As if it was a flower planted in my soul and its waiting for me to water it.

I feel the moon but I have neglected her for to long. Will she want me back. I feel the grass under my feet and the trees I miss dearly. I do miss my trees when death sets in for the winter months.

I need to find my way. I feel that if I can start to find my way others will follow. Trever will follow and time and space will be where they are supposed to and some much of that force field will be down that we will see light glowing from those around us as we have never been able to see before.

I see the light it is blue and bright and has pink in the center. And it grows with each word I type. With each thought of connection I have.

I want so much to learn more about past lives. To connect to where I began. To help others do the same thing. I need to. I need to help others find that old path as much as I need to breath and it hurts. It hurts like the pain of losing a loved one. You want it so bad you want to just reach out and touch it, touch them. but its gone and all you can do is grieve and move on. but there is no reason to grieve here. I can touch this again I just need to take that step.