Pain and depression

So I'm realizing a pattern over the past week. Each morning I wake up in incredible pain and incredibly depress. The depression is from waking up in pain. If it was not for the pain I wouldn't feel so fucking sad each morning. Some nights I got to bed just dreading what I will feel like when I wake up. And I realize that when I was able to take a dervocet at night before I would go to bed those mornings I wouldn't wake up quit as sore as I have been. But I can't take that anymore. Its no longer on the market.

They gave me Tylenol 3 which doesn't seem to do a damn thing for my pain. My RH doc upped my lyrica a wail ago and that isn't doing anything for the pain either. I'm starting to wonder if there is anything that is going to take this fucking pain away. I hate this. I'm tired all the time. I'm tired of having to depend on other people to do things for me becuase I just can't seem to get to them.

I'm tired of Elric giving me task to do and feeling overwhelmed that I might not be able to get them done becuase I'm in so much pain.
And than to add insult to injury my sinus's have been killing me every morning. I'm taking suddefed and pain meds for it and they feel like they are on fucking fire. I have gone through 3 sets of antibiotics now. I'm pretty sure if it was a sinus infection it would have gone away by now. So what the hell is up with that.

Fuck I guess I'm tired of being me. And this isn't a pity party. Or poor me. Its just a giant fucking vent because I can't vent this to people. Not becuase they will not listen but because I don't want to talk about it to people.

Auto write /Feeling down

I'm up way to early again. Probably go back to bed for a bit if I can even sleep. Well I guess sleep in not really the issue. Pain in the real issue. I'm up because it hurts to sleep. Fucked up I know. And I'm just feeling extreemly sad today. I want to cry and I'm not sure why that is. I feel like the world is so far away from me I can't reach it. I see this scene from a Tim Burton film. Creep black dead trees barely moving in the wind. And the Wind is really this monster waiting to trip you up and swallow you hole.

Swallow me. That is how I feel today I feel like I just want to be swallowed up. I'm tired. I'm tired of so many things. None of which I have any control over. Its not like I can change some things.

I feel like I want to scream but if I scream no one will really hear me. And if they did hear me I would feel bad. Like I'm pushing my pain on them somehow. Why do I have to feel like that. Why do I feel like I have to suffer alone. I guess becuase I don't feel like anyone else should have to suffer. I feel like No one else really wants to know. Not becuase they don't care about me. I know they care about me. But becuase they don't know what to do to help me, and than they feel as helpless as I do. Its a viscous circle I wish would stop repeating. Ground hogs day. Yahoooooooooo.

I fucking hate feeling the way I do right now. I feel cut off from my family but at the same time I just don't have much in common with my family. Sometimes there is to much drama in my family. So I keep a distance and I know one day I will look back and regret time lost with my sisters or my dad. I just don't know what to do about that. Maybe that is another reason I'm feeling the way I do today. Though I'm meeting them all for lunch today. We do once a month. I don't know what is wrong with me.

I just want to go to bed and not get back up. But my body wouldn't allow that.

My dreams are driving me crazy. Bloody bloody dreams about people being shot in the head. About husbands shooting themselves laying in bed right next to their wives and all of that going all over the wife as she wakes up to the noise. What a horrific way to go. What a horrific way to leave someone a memory they can never let go. Why am I having dreams of people being shot. I don't understand. Puddles of blood in my dreams last night. All of them. Maybe that is the other reason my head is in the space it is. Maybe I should just trying going back to bed and hoping I don't dream. Hoping the fucking pain I'm in will not stop me AGAIN from being able to sleep well.

Why can't I just have a normal body. Why can't I have back the one I had where I could fire dance, belly dance, drum, paint etc. taking a deep breath. It stops the tears and I'm not ready to let them flow. I'm not ready to give up yet today. But maybe that is what I need to do. Just give into the tears. I don't think can. Back to that again I guess.

Okay time to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop writing such down bull crap.