Might as well put it here.

So lately I just don't feel all that happy... It's not so much that I'm depressed I don't think, its just that I don't like a lot of my life.
I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about it so I figured I would write here. Honestly I don't think anyone reads this so its a safe bet I can ramble with out hurting feelings or getting unwanted pity.

I hate my body. I'm so fucking tired of being in pain all the god damn time.. Tired tired tired. To the point there are days that... Well there are days I just would rather disappear than feel like this.
It doesn't just affect me either. I feel like it ruins Trevers life sometimes too. I don't know if he feels that way but even if he did would he tell me? lets be honest... no...

I feel like I have taken a huge leap backwards in life.  Struggle my whole life to have anything, finally Trever and I where at a point where yeah we struggled from time to time with a bill here or there, but for most part we could cover our bills and be able to save a tiny bit to go on a vacation from time to time. Not anymore.. Thanks to his old job laying him off. I mean I guess I should be grateful that after 3 months with out a job he was able to find one... Yeah its 9.00 and hour less. 9.00!!!! That is huge.... I can't fucking work. I want to fucking work and can't. Jesus I can't even sit in some chairs with out being in pain... I can't grocery shop with out limping to the car.. It is PISSING ME OFF. Our life would be so different if I could work. FUCK FUCK FUCK....

That is my biggest issue.. Pain and not being able to work.. Its wearing me down. making me just not want to get out of bed some days. But I push forward. I work my Younique business..... Its all I have.. I don't make enough at it to help us.. That pisses me off too. I need to grow my team but I can't because I don't fucking have any damn life. So I don't see enough people to even tell them about it.. Christ, most of the time I'm home alone with NO One to talk to, Nothing to do but think of all the things I wish I could change about my life but I feel powerless to do any of it.

My house.. My house is a flipping mess. I can't keep up with it because I'm in pain all the time. I fantasize about what life would be like if I could keep my house clean, if I could look out the bay window and see a pretty garden instead of an over grown weed shit hole. I feel locked in a body I don't want!! Fuck just tying this is killing my arm but I need to get some of this off my chest.


I'm happy that Trever loves his new job, and at the same time I Hate it. I mostly hate it because we are in michigan. I don't want to be here. All I can think about is how much I want to be in New Orleans. EVERYDAY!!! I long for it. I mean to the point I can feel it in my gut as a want. Its like being so hungry that it wouldn't matter what the food was, you just need to eat.. I have never been an addict, but I imagine its like craving a drug. You want it so bad it consumes your thoughts. You look for it any place you can find it.

I just want to be there.. I want to hear the jazz, see the art have the freedom to go someplace and not be locked in a fucking house for the rest of my fucking life... I'm 48 and I feel like my life is over... I feel like I have nothing real to look forward too. No real goals that I can get to. I will never live with out snow. I will always be trapped in BFE, I will never have my charming court yard. I am wasting my life.. There are times I think about running away and leaving Trever a note that says I love you with all my heart but I couldn't handle living here anymore. I hate out house too.. Its full of mold, It needs more work than we can afford to do. We don't know how to do the work ourselves and lets be real. Even the stuff I do know how to do like paint.. I CAN'T FUCKING DO!! my flipping piece of shit body will not let me.. So I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a bubble of crap that I can't get out of.

I have small moment of happy but the rest of the time I really just want to say fuck this shit.  All our dreams.. gone in a moment.. Gone because his old job took them away.. They took away the chunk of money we would have gotten this month so he could go to school to be a weld inspector. That might have fucking got us out of Michigan.. NOPE not now.... But gosh he loves his job.. I wish I had a life to love... Ugh. I feel like a selfish bitch because I'm not happy. and I'm not happy because I hate all this shit.

I can't talk to Trever about how I feel because then he owns it all, like its all his fault.. The only thing that is his fault is taking away my dream of ever living in Nola because he said he wanted to , but than married me and jerked that away.... IT doesn't matter how many times we talk about that or how many ways I play it out in my head, or how many times he says he is sorry... I can't seem to stop being hurt by that. The thing I wanted most in life is gone. I know.. that so makes me selfish...

I was taking a shower the other day and I was actually thinking to myself... If I had my choice. Trever or New Orleans which would I pick. Obviously Trever or I honestly wouldn't have come home in November.. I didn't want too. Not at all... Sometimes I think it would be better to live homeless in New Orleans than have a moldy roof over my head in michigan... Or should I call it hell.. It is hell living here. It winter to long, its cold to long and all of that effects my health. IN A BAD way....

Fuck I don't know what to do.. Typically writing out how I feel would make me feel better. It would make me feel like I purge at least some.. NOPE I don't feel like that even a little..

Ashley is coming soon for the day.... And the house is messy and I am just to fucking sore to clean it before she gets here. I HATE MY LIFE.... I am trying to hard to convince myself that I don't...

Time is short and I'm running out of it, and I can't even hope that it will change to make me happier because that will never happen here.....