Time to get out of the funk

I have been really depressed for sometime now. Not sharing the real reasons, trying to keep to myself. Not a good idea. And now I need to get myself out of this funk I seem to be stuck in. I have been talking to Sir and although he can't seem to wrap his mind around why I would have the issue of hurting myself, after much talking he is going to support the help I need. He can't understand why I feel depressed or anything because the way he can see it life is not really that bad. Its not that bad. However being in cronic pain does things to the way you think about yourself and other things. It just does and again that is not something you can explain to someone who has not had to live with it. I have taken some advice from my friend Gita and I did some journaling. It helped me see what I needed to do to make me feel better. So I am working on doing that. I am crocheting and its the first time in years I could do that with out being in excrusiating pain after just a little bit. I do a little at a time and I'm fine. I did a piece of artwork. The picture doesn't do it justice in anyway but here it is..

so its my goal to get back to my old self. To get back to art, to get back to some of my spirituality. And to get past some of the down times I have. Doesn't mean I will not have down times but at least now I have a list of things I can do in those down times. Today life is good. One day at a time.

disapointed

didn't plan on posting again today. Feeling a bit disappointed right now. Realize that Trever doesn't understand me the way I thought he did. I was having a conversation with him about my journals. I have a lot of them and he can't understand why I keep all of them. I was trying to explain to him that each journal I have wrote in, even if its not full an may never be full, is a piece of me. That its important to me. He thinks that if I have used them to deal with things in the past and now those things have been dealt with and are in the past there is no need to keep them. I told him that he keeps a lot of old gaming stuff. It doesn't mean anything to me and I don't totally understand the point of keeping something that is just going to stay stored in a box and not played again, but that I know they mean a lot to him, so that I would never ask him to throw out his old unplayed games because of that reason. He said the difference in my journals and his stuff is that "someday his stuff might be worth something". So to me that was him saying that his stuff has value and mine doesn't. Mine may not have monetary value but it has value to me. There are things about my family and life in those. One day my kid might run across those and they might appreciate having some insight into their mom. He made me feel like crap for wanting to keep them. And I'm not willing to give on it either. just because I have a box of journals that take up space there is an issue. Really? Does he understand that the reason we know about History at all is because someone kept a Journal. I started the conversation with I didn't expect him to understand why i wanted to keep them, but I thought he would understand they mean something to me so the idea that he would have an issue with me keeping them I didn't think would be an issue he just wouldn't understand why I wanted too. I don't understand why just because he doesn't understand why I want to keep them I should have to not keep them. fuck that.

Looking through my own window and what do I see. So many changes and I feel like they never stop. There never seems to be that settle in place. Perhaps I just don't totally know my place? I do on many levels. I belong to my love Trever. He makes me so incredibly happy. With any relationship you have your little tiff. But one thing I can always says is he and I ALWAYS talk it out before we fall asleep. I think there has only been one time we didn't. He takes very good care of me. There lies some of my issue. Someone is always taking care of me. And now I need to ask the state to take care of me because I know there is no way I could hold down a job. I am in way to much pain on a regular basis. Fibro totally sucks. I'm trying to find my place so in my mind I can come to terms with things, come to terms with what Trever does for me, that I need to continue to pursue SSI. I stop to think what do I do to contribute. Life and relationships require team work. I take care of the house (though there are days I can't so I don't do crap that day), I take care of meals, all the stuff a Homemaker would normally do. Trever loves it that way, and on some level I do as well. But I am working on being okay with it for myself because I already know he is okay with it. One thing I am doing it I have gotten back into creating art including painting shoes. I am not trying to sell them. I have no idea if it will work out but I don't know if I don't try and I don't plan on stopping at shoes. I plan on making other things as time goes by. I enjoy creating and on the days I do artwork I don't want to stop. It feels good. So I want to keep doing it. I can't wait till I have a room to do it in, right now its all over the house in different area's. I also go my sewing machine out.. Like I have room for all of it. I guess I am going to just have to stop having people over LOL because the house looks like a craft lodge.

I have so many cool idea's I want to try. I am going to try Ebru painting. Its a Turkish style of painting that looks very interesting to me. Its good for me to be doing what I am because its keeping me from being in a ball of nothingness. So I guess the real point of it is to keep my hands and mind busy, not to make money. Money is just a bonus if it happens. I have been in incredible pain these days. I try not to post about it or anything because I don't want to be one of the kind of people that are crying about it all the time. Doesn't mean I never post about it. I even feel funny about posting it here, but I'm going to because I need to acknowledge that there is nothing that is my fault about my pain and stop blaming myself for being the way I am. Funny how you have a disease and you blame yourself for getting is. Pretty silly I guess. Today the biggest issue is my allergies. The Cats are killing me. Not anything I can do about it. even with meds its not helping. I think sometimes it adds to my frustration with Odie. And I'm working on it but it boils down to I hate all the cat hair in the house. However for now it is what it is and I'm am dealing with it. At some point the kitty's will be gone and this will not be an issue. I had just thought I would have had less allergies by now like I have with other cats. Maybe its because there are two who know. Either way it is a situation that no one has any control over and I am going to deal with it day by day and try not to let it frustrate me so much. I know its not easy for Emmy or Andrew because they know that the cats are affecting me. And they have no control over it either. There is more I could write about but it will wait because Trever just got home from work and I want to spend some time with him. I think the weekend coming up we don't have any plans.. That is a first in a long time. We will see if that last. LOL. Better to be busy than bored.

Life in General

It has been sometime since I have wrote in here. Each time I write in here I think of how I'm probably talking to myself, but isn't that sometimes the best.

I can't think but wonder if there is something better I could do with this blog. Well for now it is what it is.

Life has been well life. Nothing to new to write about my life doesn't change that much these days and well for most part that is good. I'm slightly annoyed that I can't seem to figure out a way to bring money in but I am working on it. Hell I just want some spending cash so I can do what I want.

My pain has been off the charts at times as of late. Fibro the disease no one things you have because they can't see it. Its hard when I'm in this much pain not only because the pain itself makes life head, but because I don't look sick. So I always feel guilty like people will think I'm faking or something which is bullshit. i wouldn't wish this pain on my enemy.

I am extremely blessed to have Trever in my life. He is amazing and has not problem taking care of me when I need it. I think we give and take from each other in a very healthy way. He makes me feel loved and important.

I guess for now that is about all I have to write about. No point in going on anymore about my pain. hell I hear enough of that.

Oh I got a new sewing machine for my birthday. I am looking forward to using it and at the same time afraid to. But it will be okay.