Positive changes, positive attitude positive results.

Tomorrow is weigh in day. No idea what the scale will show, but I know that my waist is showing.
Today I had to alter a top because it was to long, It didn't used to be to long. I'm guessing because more of my gut took up the space that it made it shorter than it was. Well not it not only doesn't fit to tight but its shorter :)....

I also decided to try on a couple pair of pants that I couldn't wear before. I just about gave the pair I have on away just a few months ago but decided for some reason to hang on to them. And wow!! they are on my body today... How cool is that? Let me tell you its pretty cool. I'm am hopeful that they will not fit for to long though because honestly I don't like how high the waist on them is.. But I'm still wearing them because my other two pair of jeans are getting to big. they are all baggy on my ass and stuff.

So over all I'm feeling pretty good. Wasn't going to work out today because my hips were at the point were I was afraid if I worked out they would be wrecked for the weekend. Here is crossing my fingers that they are not because yep.... I worked out.. It was fun because Ashley worked out with me today. And she said the workout was harder than when she used the elliptical. I bet its because someones on those things its almost like the gears and stuff  do some of the work for you. Either way I'm sure she is still getting a good workout from the gym as well.

I can't wait to see if Trever notices the jeans when he gets home in an hour and a half...

On another note.. I finished another doll!! and I love her so much. OMG I love them all its going to be hard to sell them.. but off to go take good pictures of her.. sweet.... and the sun is out.. I'm just over all happy happy.

And you should know.

So as of late my blog is about my changes, my struggles in those changes etc...

Part of the change in my life is that probably by the end of the year I will be divorced from my husband Rick. It might seem like it would be an easy thing. We have not really been physically together for 6 years or close to that. But, its not... It is necessary because we are not in love anymore. We both have someone we love very much. We are both engaged to other people. Time changes us all.

I have very little regrets in life. The few I do have are things like I wish there were things I could have done with my kids that I just couldn't afford to do, I wish I would have had more time with my mom, I wish I would have taken care of myself a lot better a long time ago, and I wish that Rick and I could have figure out how to communicate a long time ago. Was always like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. Most of all I regret that my daughter is having a hard time with this.

It didn't dawn on me that the divorce would be hard for either of my kids. Its been so long since Rick and I have been together and its been 3 years since we lived together that I thought for them it was pretty much like it had already been so. But she is struggling with it. Breaks my heart to see hers breaking. Its not easier either because her dad doesn't seem to come around. That part I'm not sure why. I guess only he knows what is going on in his head. All I know is her pain because she shares it.

Crystal I just want you to know that this is not easy. Its not easy to throw away such a long relationship. Your dad and I have technically been married for almost 26 years. So no its not easy to just walk away from. Please understand that I have had to face a lot of emotional ups and downs and pain over the past few years as I looked back on what could have been, or should have been but wasn't. But, what I took from that is that your Father and I have two amazing kids. Our time together was not for nothing. We have helped each other though so many things. Yes there were times we hurt each other as well. And some of that is still healing I'm sure. I know for me it is. We are still friends. We talk, we even see each other from time to time and I don't plan on kicking him out of my life anytime soon. I still love him. I'm pretty sure he still loves me.

You can fall out of love with someone, but when there was no real terrible thing that made you split up other than you both grew in different directions and fell out of love you still care about the other person. Sometimes perhaps people have a hard time understanding but it doesn't matter. This is hard on you I know, but know that you don't have what some have had. Parents who fight and can't even be in the same room. Hell your dad is at the top of my invite list for the wedding. So take that with you on your journey to mend your heart. Understand things really will be no different once a piece of paper is signed than they are now.

So part of my change this year is moving on from that part of my past and finding it anew with it just being a friendship that I hope will last a lifetime because even unmarried I still picture your dad as always part of my life someone. I'm not sorry that its over. I wish I could have changed the way it ended. But I'm incredibly happy!!!

This song has always kind of made me tear up when I hear it because it kind of says it.


I love you and its okay to talk to me about how you feel.

Pushing forwards, sometimes is hard

So Saturday was the day to weigh in and do measurements. I did pretty well. I'm down  8 lbs since we started. I mean its not a lot but its something. In the grand scheme of things I have oh so far to go...

Today is one of those blah days. Those days where I'm still pushing though but I'm so damn tired.. dang it. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my Fibro but it is what it is.

Yesterday was a hard day. I just am so sick of eating flippen vegetables all the dang time. Don't get me wrong I like them and all but meat and veggies seems to have replaces meat and potatoes and either way its annoying and boring. I can't change it up as much as I used to because of the limits we have at the moment. No sugars, no grains and no dairy.

Trever caught fish over the weekend so I fried those up but I'm really not much of a fan of fish that way so I took maybe two bits and that was it. So my dinner pretty much ended up just being veggies.

We also gamed yesterday. Any gamer knows that part of that is you snack while you play. Pathfinder while you can't snack like that but the other 5 people can makes it a bit hard. They typically come in with McDonalds which really doesn't bother me because I don't like it anyway. So that wasn't much of an issue. But than Justin breaks out peanut M&M. OMG I wanted to smack them right out of his hand. LOL.. But well that wouldn't have been nice. But it was so hard to sit next to someone eating something that I really love and not even be able to eat one. Than to have to eat something I hate for dinner and not end up eating it anyway.

My roommate is doing something similar to what Trever and I are doing. Only she rarely eats beans because she doesn't like them, and she is pretty much eating all the fruit she wants. That doesn't typically bother me much either, but it did this weekend. When i lost a pound and a half and she lost 5 in a week and she is practically living off of fruits and veggies juices she is making. I'm like seriously. I can't have fruit unless I work out to get it and I work my ass off all damn week and I don't even lose 2 lbs. And she gets fruit (not that she doesn't work out she does. just want to make that clear) and she loses 5. Well damn. It does make it hard to focus on the meal plan I'm on, but I know I need to. I need to get myself to a health place where I'm not reaching for sweets all the time and I don't think I'm going to do that if every time I crave sweets I can just reach for them.

Anyway... 5 weeks down, 5 weeks to go. I'm half way there with this thing I'm doing and that is probably why I'm having such a hard time yesterday and today. Just hitting that half way  point thing.. And how I'm feeling physically. That just means tomorrow perhaps I'll be back to being more optimistic :)

I still worked out today so I surely didn't give up or anything... Just damn awful tired.

off to work on dolls and such stuff.

Disappointed but not down

So not much sleep. Pain is getting to me. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to workout today. Specially when I'm up at 5am because sleep hurt. Not a complaint again. Nothing to complain about. Life is what it is and complaining never changes that it only feeds it. I'm disappointed that I might not be up to working out. I really do think that if I workout today I'm probably going to be miserable all weekend. However; I don't see any reason to let it get me down. 1. I worked out yesterday just incase because I couldn't today. 2. I have a lot of other things I can do to keep me busy today. 3. I got three workouts in this week and my goal is two. Anything over two is a bonus :)

 I had someone say to me that it was basically good to see that the wedding has me motivated. She wasn't really talking about getting healthy because I don't know that she even knows that is a goal of mine right now. She was referring more to me working on my art and the dolls. The wedding is not why I'm doing what I am though. I can see why it would appear that way to some since it all kind of makes sense. However; even if Trever had not proposed to me I would be were I am now.

  why an I doing it than? I have been in a place far to long of feeling like I have no quality of life. I'm limited as to what I can do because of my disability and the fact that 7-9 months of the year are nasty cold and cold hurts me like hell. It was eating away at me and all I could think about was my mom. After my sister died my mother just kind of started giving up. She was already not in the best health but than all she ever did was sit and watch movies. So my dad got her a computer. I got her away from the TV and gave her a place to grieve because she started finding other people like her who had lost a child. She started to design web pages and all sorts of things. She took to the computer and photo editing programs like a fish to water. My mother was such an amazing artist and crafter. I really do get my gifts from her. But all she did was sit at the computer. We couldn't get her to go do anything else. She didn't want to go for walks or hang out with friends etc...
 My sister died in 1990. My mother died in 2000. Ten years may seem like a long time but its really not. That was 10 years of a sedentary life. 10 years of letting her health get worse and worse. Ten years of smoking and no exercise. Ten years of missing her little girl so much and dedicating so much time to her Dee's Angels web site that she forgot pretty much what she was missing out with her other three daughters and their children. My mom died at the age of 52. Her Death certificate say she died from obesity and smoking. She died because she had hardening of the arteries going to her large intestine and that was brought on by not moving around enough, not having enough circulation, eating to many fatty foods and smoking. So yeah her weight and her smoking in the long run did kill her, but what really killed her was having a broken heart and giving up on life. Its been a fear of mine for a long time I would die young like my mom. The more health issues I was starting to have the more I wished my mom would have not been dumb and had taken care of her. I might know if mine run in the family or not. But... She didn't. She is gone and I don't have her anymore because she couldn't see past her own pain so we lost her. I'm not willing to do that to my kids and I'm not going to die young.. Not in me to do that.. So I woke up and decided that my life isn't going to change unless I change it.


I talked to Trever who also wanted to get healthier. I was getting worried about him. When your 31 and in worse shape than I was at 31 that is not good. So together we are doing this. Its far from easy but I want to be healthy. I want to be able to belly dance and fire dance again. I know that will mean I have to have surgery on my other shoulder but I'll do it. I know it means I'm going to have to lose some weight so its not so hard on my hips and my knees but I'll do it. The goal is not to be thin. The goal is to be healthy. Does that mean the number on the scale doesn't matter to me. Yes and no.... Yes because I have a size in mind not a weight I would like to be. No because if I don't see results its a bummer. Specially when you work really hard and stick to the eating plan. But if I don't see the numbers on the scale but do see them on the measure tape that helps.

I'm not totally happy with the meal plan we are on, but we agreed to give it 10 weeks before any changes. He seems to like it for most part. I think its good because I notice less and less sugar cravings on my part with each week that goes by. But its hard to not have any sugar. I'm not sure yet how I will change things at the end of the 10 weeks.. We still have Five weeks to go. I do know though that I am going to be able to eat fruit. This no fruit crap is killing me. Its a healthy way to consume some sugars and I don't get that either.
We do get what is called a load day. Meaning on  every saturday we can eat what we want. The first couple of saturdays we over did I'm sure lol.. But I notice I have less I "have" to have on saturdays now and its more about treating myself. Like Trever is the Pizza king and doesn't eat it now really. However Saturday I'm making him homemade pizza. I love ice cream and saturday I will have some chunky monkey :)

All in all I feel better about myself than I have in YEARS. I look in the mirror and I see a woman who is trying, a woman who cares about herself, a woman who is getting her quality of life back. A woman who still wants to move down south. LOL but is making the best out of Michigan and finding the artist she is again. A woman with determination who isn't going to let pain, her disability, her self sabotage or fears stop her damn it.

A woman who sees her success not her failures in life. That really is the key. Being able to see myself as a success. I want to inspire my children.

So its been ups and downs.. Mostly ups I guess. I don't seem to be losing weight but I'm losing inches. Its hard when you work really hard stick to the healthy eating plan your following and you don't see the results on the scale. I think if I wasn't seeing the results on the measuring tape I think It would have been hard for me to keep going. I'm doing this though not to lose weight so much as to be healthy. The fact that I have disabilities is not helping but I'm not letting it stop me either. I can see the difference when I put my cloths on, I can see the difference in how I am feeling. The main issue I am having is that its really kicking up my pain. There are days I can hardly sleep because of the pain. I'm not complaining, I'm not even venting. I'm stating the facts. I need to get shots in my hip soon because its getting harder and harder to do some of the workouts. I'm still pushing but I'm wondering if I'm doing myself harm or not. I don't think I am but today omg today just kicked my ass so bad. I didn't sleep much last night because my right hip was killing me, and my left shoulder is killing. No matter what side I slept on it hurt. Woke up so any times. I know I need surgery on my left shoulder and I'm sure I'm going to have to take care of that this year. Which upsets me because I am doing all I can to get healthier and I'm not sure not being able to work out is going to be good for my mind or body. This year is all about getting healthy, finding me again. Finding reasons to be happy and to love who I am and deal with were I am. Meaning in michigan. I just don't like it here. Can't wait to get away from here :). I'm so blessed that I have Trever right here helping me believe in myself. He said that he is proud of me because no matter how hard of a day I'm having I push myself to work out. Even if I have to do a very low impact workout I'm doing it. The idea is two work out twice a week for 20 mins. I have been working out 20 mins three times a week, and if I'm feeling up to it tomorrow it will make 4 times this week. Hopefully this week I will see some results on the scale and if not maybe a lot more on the measuring tape. I don't have a weight I want to get down to. I have a size. I want to get down to a size 16. That would be me incredibly happy. I am on this journey... And this journey is not always easy, but even when its incredibly hard its still rewarding... I'm pretty proud of myself. Specially on days like today. I hurt all over, and I just want to curl into a ball and sleep because my fibro and bursitis are kicking my butt. But damn it.. It WILL NOT WIN!! Today is just a day, tomorrow is my future... that is what i'm looking at... Here is to facing struggles and challenges and not giving up!! Go me.

Pain may slow me down, but it can't hold me back.

So it's been another week. I lost 2 lbs. I am not doing to bad. Last week wasn't to terrible. This week has stated of rough. I am having a flare up today. Lots of pain. I want to able to work out. I am hoping I can work out a lot the rest of the week or at the very least get many two days in. I gave into sugar and ate some white chocolate. I think I should have just had a couple of chips. They were so incredibly sweet. I think I notice the sugar more now. I am not going to beat myself up because I am in so much pain I had to give into something. I didnt eat that much either. .. For some reason when I have a high level of pain I really crave something sweet. I am not going to make the same mistake I have in the past of beating myself up because it leads me to figure what is the point, and than I just giveup. I am not giving up. I don't plan to go back to eating sugar all the time like I used to. I know I Got This and it doesnt matter if I take 6 month to get to a comfortable place with my weight or two years because the reason for this is not to be thin, its to be more fit and healthy. I will enjoy life more. I am also going to keep pushing foreword with my art. I like my new found outlook on life. Not beating myself up for every little thing makes it a lot easier to love the person I am.