Disappointed but not down

So not much sleep. Pain is getting to me. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to workout today. Specially when I'm up at 5am because sleep hurt. Not a complaint again. Nothing to complain about. Life is what it is and complaining never changes that it only feeds it. I'm disappointed that I might not be up to working out. I really do think that if I workout today I'm probably going to be miserable all weekend. However; I don't see any reason to let it get me down. 1. I worked out yesterday just incase because I couldn't today. 2. I have a lot of other things I can do to keep me busy today. 3. I got three workouts in this week and my goal is two. Anything over two is a bonus :)

 I had someone say to me that it was basically good to see that the wedding has me motivated. She wasn't really talking about getting healthy because I don't know that she even knows that is a goal of mine right now. She was referring more to me working on my art and the dolls. The wedding is not why I'm doing what I am though. I can see why it would appear that way to some since it all kind of makes sense. However; even if Trever had not proposed to me I would be were I am now.

  why an I doing it than? I have been in a place far to long of feeling like I have no quality of life. I'm limited as to what I can do because of my disability and the fact that 7-9 months of the year are nasty cold and cold hurts me like hell. It was eating away at me and all I could think about was my mom. After my sister died my mother just kind of started giving up. She was already not in the best health but than all she ever did was sit and watch movies. So my dad got her a computer. I got her away from the TV and gave her a place to grieve because she started finding other people like her who had lost a child. She started to design web pages and all sorts of things. She took to the computer and photo editing programs like a fish to water. My mother was such an amazing artist and crafter. I really do get my gifts from her. But all she did was sit at the computer. We couldn't get her to go do anything else. She didn't want to go for walks or hang out with friends etc...
 My sister died in 1990. My mother died in 2000. Ten years may seem like a long time but its really not. That was 10 years of a sedentary life. 10 years of letting her health get worse and worse. Ten years of smoking and no exercise. Ten years of missing her little girl so much and dedicating so much time to her Dee's Angels web site that she forgot pretty much what she was missing out with her other three daughters and their children. My mom died at the age of 52. Her Death certificate say she died from obesity and smoking. She died because she had hardening of the arteries going to her large intestine and that was brought on by not moving around enough, not having enough circulation, eating to many fatty foods and smoking. So yeah her weight and her smoking in the long run did kill her, but what really killed her was having a broken heart and giving up on life. Its been a fear of mine for a long time I would die young like my mom. The more health issues I was starting to have the more I wished my mom would have not been dumb and had taken care of her. I might know if mine run in the family or not. But... She didn't. She is gone and I don't have her anymore because she couldn't see past her own pain so we lost her. I'm not willing to do that to my kids and I'm not going to die young.. Not in me to do that.. So I woke up and decided that my life isn't going to change unless I change it.


I talked to Trever who also wanted to get healthier. I was getting worried about him. When your 31 and in worse shape than I was at 31 that is not good. So together we are doing this. Its far from easy but I want to be healthy. I want to be able to belly dance and fire dance again. I know that will mean I have to have surgery on my other shoulder but I'll do it. I know it means I'm going to have to lose some weight so its not so hard on my hips and my knees but I'll do it. The goal is not to be thin. The goal is to be healthy. Does that mean the number on the scale doesn't matter to me. Yes and no.... Yes because I have a size in mind not a weight I would like to be. No because if I don't see results its a bummer. Specially when you work really hard and stick to the eating plan. But if I don't see the numbers on the scale but do see them on the measure tape that helps.

I'm not totally happy with the meal plan we are on, but we agreed to give it 10 weeks before any changes. He seems to like it for most part. I think its good because I notice less and less sugar cravings on my part with each week that goes by. But its hard to not have any sugar. I'm not sure yet how I will change things at the end of the 10 weeks.. We still have Five weeks to go. I do know though that I am going to be able to eat fruit. This no fruit crap is killing me. Its a healthy way to consume some sugars and I don't get that either.
We do get what is called a load day. Meaning on  every saturday we can eat what we want. The first couple of saturdays we over did I'm sure lol.. But I notice I have less I "have" to have on saturdays now and its more about treating myself. Like Trever is the Pizza king and doesn't eat it now really. However Saturday I'm making him homemade pizza. I love ice cream and saturday I will have some chunky monkey :)

All in all I feel better about myself than I have in YEARS. I look in the mirror and I see a woman who is trying, a woman who cares about herself, a woman who is getting her quality of life back. A woman who still wants to move down south. LOL but is making the best out of Michigan and finding the artist she is again. A woman with determination who isn't going to let pain, her disability, her self sabotage or fears stop her damn it.

A woman who sees her success not her failures in life. That really is the key. Being able to see myself as a success. I want to inspire my children.